Bout With Insanity

Something one can't really imagine can they? What it's like to lose control of your mind and thoughts. What it's like to not be able to control what your mind tells you to do and not do. It's a very curious thing. I had a bout with it tonight, thought drinking might help me recover from it. It kinda did. But then life got in the way.  I thought I wanted to go to the bar, then I thought I wanted to stay home and find another girl, then I thought I wanted to just go to bed. But I stayed up. My insanity or maybe it was my sanity, made me stay up and chill for a little while and not do anything but just hang out. And do you know what? It revealed a lot of stuff to me, especially while I was trying to help put one of my brothers and his girlfriend work out their problems. Some good some bad but some more enlightening than anything else. It made  me realize that my closest bout with insanity was to almost do something to abandon one of the things that I love the most in this life and give up on something I've worked so hard for. That would've been the closest I'd come to insanity, not almost losing my mind at work but almost giving up my life later that night. And it wasn't because I was drunk. I know that's what some people would like to think. No, I'm completely sober now, typing up this message and I can tell you my feelings are exactly the same now as they were when I'd drank more than half a fifth of makers. i wish everyone would believe that, but few do, oh well. I don't expect that. I just hope for trust from those I feel I've earned it from. If not then whatever. It's not my job to impress you. I just hope you can see that I've tried to do something. Even if it's not what you expect of me. I just want you to know that I tried. anyways I'm going to bed. Good night.

Although it says it was written in May, it was finalized on January 5th.

Nighttime Musings Volume I

Apart from hanging out with my friends and Brothers in Sigma Chi, my late nights are taken up by certain pondering and musings. Mysteries of life, reflections of my own, ideas for my novel, all sorts of things that occupy my thoughts and deprive me of sleep. Trust me mom, I do try but my mind has other plans for the hours of 11-4. She thinks I'm a slacker and irresponsible because I sleep so late. That might be true now that my sister, who I am currently living with, seems to share mom's thoughts on that. You should feel honored, reader, that I am willing to break the 5th Commandment (or 4th if you're Catholic). Although I'm not sure religious law applies to me since I'm not religious. I'm not going to get into that yet though. Religion is a can of worms that I am extremely controversial about. I have a lot to say about it but in the society I live in I find that it's best to avoid voicing my opinions, especially since I live in a part of the country where the word "lynch" is fresh in people's minds and a majority of the population have at least three crosses somewhere among their possessions. Thank God for the open-mindedness of college students though! Anyways my constant habit of listening to music late at night always helps me to think things over and focus my thoughts better. My mind always wanders off into different realms of thought that provoke my imagination. I find myself always wondering what if? What if a thousand things, for example:
What if I wasn't dating my girlfriend?
What if I had joined another fraternity?
What if I hadn't come to this college?
What if I had decided to play sports in school?
What if I had pursued that one relationship back in high school?
What if I were more dedicated to my grades than my relationships with people?
What if my book were finished?
What if I had gone out more in high school?
What if?
What if?
What if?
I get so caught up in the what ifs of my life that my imagination creates the stories of what happened if those what ifs came to fruition. I can see myself now at some SEC school on a football scholarship, or as a high school dropout living on the streets. There is so much possibility that I can't even begin to comprehend where I'd be if one of a trillion things in my life had changed. Oh well. It's not something that will get me somewhere unless I make it big in the story telling/ writing business. But still...what if?

We'll start off with what I'm best at...a story.

Sam was walking down the street one evening when he passed by something in an alley that made him wince. He saw a man mugging a girl from his World History class. Getting extremely violent the man threw the girl to the girl to the ground and started to unbuckle his belt. Sam guessed at what was about to happen and immediately got involved. He ran up behind the mugger and tackled him to the ground.

"Get out of here!" he yelled at the girl, the rush of the moment causing him to forget her name.

The assailant kicked Sam off of him and drew a knife from his boot. Sam didn't know how to fight very well and did not carry his own knife with him around unless he knew he'd be in the slightest danger. He grabbed the closest thing he could reach, a broken hockey stick that had missed the dumpster. The knife wielding man lunged at Sam who rolled out of the way, and into the wall. Sam hadn't realized how narrow the alley really was. Getting up he brought the hockey stick to bear against the assailant who had recomposed himself.

"You ruined my fun you little fuck! Now I'm gonna ruin your life!" he lunged again, this time Sam just rolled out of the way and brought the hockey stick down on the assailant's head. The man shouted in agony. Sam took advantage of the man's pain to strike again this time knocking him out cold. To make sure he was down Sam hit him in the chest once more. Satisfied he kicked the knife under the dumpster and walked out of the alley, just as the girl came running toward him with a police officer, who upon seeing the scene called in backup.

Watching the investigators work Sam wondered how often people did what he'd just done. He knew it wasn't often enough though. Then he thought...what if I did that? What if I was the one who went out and fought the evil. I'm no superhero but I could do it. I could have Dusty teach me to fight and I could buy equipment off the internet. I could be like a modern day Assassin from Assassin's Creed! While Sam pondered this the assailant was taken away, staring him down the whole way to the police cruiser...

I'll be working on this from time to time in between posts.